I made a decision in the days that followed that I couldn't allow this to break me, as sad as I was and still am it would achieve nothing to dwell. I know with certainty that it would have angered Jer to throw our lives away and give up. So I didn't I sought comfort in those I love and sought professional help when it got too much, and I am glad I did.
I learnt that the sadness I had felt before Jerry's passing was nothing compared to the raw sadness I feel with grief, an overwhelming rush of emotion that I have had to train myself to rein in and cope with. Never underestimate the power of a few deep breaths to restore enough calm to be able to carry on.
This year I have discovered how strong I can be when I really have to be and I have been braver then I have ever been required to, I have surprised myself.
One of the hardest things to accept is that it has all been real and these things do happen to me. Without before experiencing a real tragedy I found myself living my life with a false sense of security, a feeling that bad things happen to other people and I was safe from that. Of course as many people know that is not true and at anytime someone you love can be ripped away without explanation or justification. In some respects I am now more scared of life, I see danger more than I did and think about the worst case scenarios more than ever.
I'm not at all religious, I don't know what happens when you die but I don't believe in the standard heaven scenario. However, I do find myself a little jealous of people with faith and the comfort belief can offer. I have been searching for my own little comfort, some indication that there is more out there just to set my mind at rest. I'll be honest sometimes I have thought there have been signs, silly as it sounds, none of which I wish to share but enough to give me a little hope. Many people will probably explain it as 'if you want to see it you will', well so be it, anything to make coping easier.
Life is a lonelier now, Jerry was the only person we socialised with in the town in which we live and it had been that way for 14 years. The majority of our weekends are now like every other night of the week. The responsibility of children and finances mean we can't even occupy ourselves going out, but time moves on and it becomes something you get used to.
We have our other best friends just far enough away so that getting together is costly so I appreciate that time with them more than ever and look forward to it. I have thought about going out there and making new friends, but at the moment it seems an impossible task. At 33 I didn't imagine I would need to make new friends, but I'll just have to see how that goes.
I think I should end this blog on a positive note, and there have been a few personal positives in this year. I took a big step and did a couple of things I always wanted to.
First thing I did was dye my hair purple, not a massive thing you my think but for me it was a brave move. Something I wanted to do for so long but fear of societies reaction had always stopped me, and this is where the bravery comes in. I suddenly developed the attitude 'you only live once'. I realised that I have once chance to experience the things I want to and I wasn't about to let the attitude of people I didn't care about stop me. Those who love me will support me, those who don't I couldn't give a shit about anymore. I am pleased I did and have loved it, and though I am going back to blonde, I am pleased that I can say this is because I am tired of keeping up with the purple and not because some moron has intimidated me into it.
My other achievement was to GM a game. I wrote a story and became the Games Master. The thought of doing this before has always left me sick to my stomach and I frequently kicked myself for not giving it a go. But I finally thought "What have I got to loose?". I was going to be running a game for my closest friends, people I trust to make things as easy for me as they could. I was pleased with the result considering it was my first try. I accept I have a lot to learn but this can only come with practise, something I am willing to do. Whilst I am back to being a player at the moment, something I have missed, I'm certain I will GM again in the future. I am proud I was able to overcome some of my fears, but am sad it took losing a best friend to make me do it.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of Jerry, but I expect that will continue for many many years to come. I miss him and so much of him is around us, but I'm glad for that. Sometimes the tears come when I don't expect them and sometimes the memories make me smile when I don't expect it. So, I guess, we're doing ok. Now I'm off for a shot of Tequila, a few deep breaths and a hug.
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| Good times 1999 |
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